There are many times when you look back at some of the choices you made and begin to doubt yourself. Second guess decisions. Wonder what the future may hold. Did you screw up your life? Too many times we get caught up in woulda, shoulda, coulda but we have to learn to let things go. Look to the future. See the unknown future as a possible new adventure. Or do we recount our actions and see how we failed?
I walked out on my job over a month ago. Did I need to do that? Probably not. Did I have to do that? Most likely. Without going back into all the gory details of how much I hated my job, I chose to look at what have I done since then. I cashed out my profit sharing and decided to live on that for a month. Take some time for myself. Rejuvenate my creative juices that had been rob from me during my insufferable tenure at my old job.
I got to some things that I wanted to do. Worked on some of my sites and began really working on this blog. Spent time with my pets and reconnected with myself. Watched movies and began to recalibrate my brain to be open to new experiences. Taking some “me” time was important, as my last job caused me a great deal of stress and depression, which robs you of your life blood. Not to mention, you should shake off your old, depressing job. Otherwise, you carry many of those things with you to your new one.
The Head Game
However, within the last week or so, I have started to fall into a depression. Money is starting to shrink. The heat in Los Angeles was well over 105 for about two weeks, and I began to see people doing things that I wanted to do. It seemed like a perfect storm of negative thoughts began swirling in my head. Even as I write this, I am focusing on the future problems that could come up, which pushes me further into my depression and all I want to do is sleep.
This was an issue that hindered a friend of mine and I did not want to go down that path. I have not chosen to see any sort of medical professional, mostly due to the fact I did not wish to take any sort of medication to alter my state. Regardless of the state, I just need to become more focused on what I want and find that drive I use to have. I know it is a constant battle. It is not an easy one, but it is something that I need to do.
As I move into this new stage in my life, I begin to wonder just what is the root cause of my depression. Can it be because I was at a job I hated? Probably. Is it because my friends are doing things that I wanted to do? Possibly, but many times I chose not to do that when I did have a job. Is it because people are claiming to have jobs they love and I had a job I hated? Most likely. You apply for those jobs but they seem to go to other people. That compounds the depression.
I’m A Loser, Baby
My biggest enemy is my mind. My mind that tells me that I am not worth it. No one wants to hire me because I am a loser. You can’t hang out with your friends because you have no money. In which case, you are a loser. Why spend some time playing video games when you could be online looking for a job? Which won’t happen anyway because you’ll end up doing something else because you are a loser. You begin to see a pattern emerging.
Fuck My Mind
I am not a loser. I just need to exist in the now. After a few hours of applying for jobs, I can spend some time doing something relaxing. Something that distracts me from the daunting task of looking for a new job. I just need to remember what I use to tell other people who believed they were failures. No one is a failure, unless they believe they are. You will have the nay-sayers but that is due to the fact they hate their own lives so much that they want no one to succeed. I love it when my friends succeed. I just want to succeed too.
My life is not dictated by trips that I go on, things I can buy or parties that I go to. I am defined by what I do with my life. If I have to go back and get another job to make money until I get further along – so be it. I am slowly realizing that I have fewer days ahead than behind and I cannot be one of those people that wonder what I did with it. They say youth is wasted on the young. This is true. However, what is the excuse of the people that think they are too late? That is the bigger failure in life. And I do not want to be a failure.